That of a puppy? Of someone who truly loves you?

Or the gleam in our eyes when looking at our coffee first thing in the morning?

I was recently listening to a podcast titled How the Way You Look At Someone Changes Who They Become with David Brooks, the New York Times columnist, author, and longtime observer of human behavior, politics, and the strange business of being a person.

He was talking about two ideas that really got me thinking: the Illuminator’s Gaze and the Diminisher’s Gaze.

Brooks uses these terms to describe two very different ways of seeing other people—and how the approach we take with our gaze can change them.

The Illuminator’s Gaze is what we all want. It is the skinny mirror, the beautifying lighting, the rose-colored glasses we wear when we seriously crush on someone.

Under the Illuminator’s Gaze, we shine because we are truly seen. The sun shines brighter. The songbirds sing, and the flowers bloom because we have value worth adding to the world.

The person using the Illuminator’s Gaze elicits something in us that allows the fullness of who we are to step forward. They look past the résumé, gender, education, political views, sexual preferences, income level, religious beliefs, ethnicity, and past mistakes. They look past all the things that humans mentally “stack” to build a profile of someone.

The Diminisher’s Gaze, unsurprisingly, is the exact opposite.

You've heard the term withering look.

Well, this is it. It is the look that says:

What can you do for me? What are you worth? Are you useful? Are you one of us?

It leaves us reduced to a commodity. Our value is no longer inherent but subjective, transactional, and dependent on what we can do for someone else.

In coaching, we are taught to “stay curious”—a phrase Ted Lasso helped permanently install in the collective psyche in the episode where he soundly beat Rupert in a game of darts. Rupert never asked Ted if he played darts, and his assumption that Ted didn’t play cost him.

Here Is Where Our Gaze Matters

When people are met with the Diminisher’s Gaze, they often become smaller and angrier.

They feel judged. Criticized. Managed. Measured. Because that is what is happening.

Eventually, they may start editing themselves to fit the version of them that someone else has decided is acceptable.

But when we look at people through generosity, acceptance, and genuine curiosity, something interesting happens:

They often begin to see themselves differently, too.

The way we look at something can change what that something becomes.

And if we don't clean up our own gaze, we can become the jailkeepers of one another rather than the people who help set one another free.

That matters personally. It matters in our workplaces. It matters in our communities.

And right now, I think it matters enormously for our country.

If we look at this moment through the Hero’s Journey, we are in the Provocateur phase.

The Provocateur is the character who shows up, breaks all the rules, and says:

“What are you going to do about it?”

Not exactly the guest you meant to invite over.

But the Provocateur has a purpose.

It disrupts the assumptions we have built our world around. It forces us to question what is real, what is outdated, what no longer works, and what we have simply accepted because, well...

that's the way we've always done it.

It is uncomfortable. It can be infuriating.

It can make you want to crawl under a blanket and emerge after they leave. And they always do leave.

But the chaos they create can also be incredibly useful if capitalized upon.

Sometimes you have to have your world rocked before you can reorient yourself to the world that is actually here.

And this is where the gaze we choose matters.

We can look at this moment through fear, anger, blame, and nostalgia for a version of the world that may never have existed quite the way we remember it.

Or we can put on the Illuminator’s Gaze, stay curious, and ask ourselves:

What no longer works? What is worth preserving?

And, most importantly, what do we want to create out of the chaos?

The past several years have exposed something important:

Many of the systems we thought were permanent were actually choices. The new systems are choices, too. The good news is that choices can change—and that gives us an extraordinary opportunity.

But opportunity is a little like a puppy.

It doesn't do much good if you admire it from across the room.

You have to get up. You have to engage.

And, occasionally, you have to rebuild like the Bionic Man - better, stronger, faster.

So perhaps the question isn't simply What is happening to us?

Perhaps the more interesting question is:

What do we want to create when everything is exposed?

Because the gaze we choose will influence what we are able to imagine.

And what we are able to imagine is limitless.

(Live link to the YouTube interview. Available publicly through next week; after that, it’s members-only.)

Get Hired at Any Age - Especially Over 50

Are you in the Twilight Zone, or did you really change the diapers of someone the same age as the hiring manager interviewing you?

With Millennials now becoming managers and Gen X increasingly finding themselves back in the job market, it can kind of feel that way.

Elizabeth went from living in one of Dante’s circles of hell—aka working for her ex post-divorce—to becoming a director and hiring manager at a global company. And she did it all when she was over 50 (and there may have been some Stoli involved.)

In our conversation, Elizabeth spills the tea on what hiring managers really look for and why you should never say no to dinner—or to staying late.

If you're job hunting, know someone who is, or need a fresh approach, watch this. Elizabeth drops some serious wisdom for anyone who wants to bounce back—or just stay in the know about today's job market.

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